poetry and prose

What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

When I was 22, I was in a graduate program to become a marriage and family therapist. I was far ahead of my game academically, but very behind socially.

I met a man who was 33 years old that had a 9 year old daughter, a budding career as an electrician in the Bay Area, and who seemed to be enjoying life.

He amazed me with his soul, but confused me with his behavior. He was reckless, impulsive, and had a wild sense of humor.

I was too young and inexperienced to understand that he was not the right partner for me.

A young 22 year old, dying to be in love and get her life started, desperate to find someone ambitious and not boring… (that was what I told myself).

He was the perfect fit in my immature eyes.

The next seven years of my life were horribly unsteady, and it’s a miracle that I am alive today.

Pregnancies, drug abuse, unwanted sexual invasions, trying to find myself, but only finding more and more pain. Fights, infidelity, and sacrifice after sacrifice.

By the time I was 29, I had a masters degree, my own business, two children, and a divorce under my belt.. still so obsessed with comparing myself to my peers. Looking back, it doesn’t seem strange, but I felt so painstakingly different. So many of the people my age were barely getting their bachelors degrees and just entering into serious relationships, while I’d already managed to experience what felt like the biggest fuck up of all time.

At 31, my children’s father committed suicide. He hung himself from the balcony of the home that had once been our supposed “happily ever after.”

Our kids were 4 and 7.

My life was teetering on destruction, and for so long, I thought it was up to me to fix it.

The longer I went down that path, the worse it got.

Life didn’t make sense. I was very lost and confused, but soon I began praying to angels and a few months after that, my best friend showed me God.

At 33, I was baptized in a Christian Church.

Finding God and restoring my faith have strengthened me tremendously, but the experiences that led me to faith are what allowed me to finally welcome him in.

It’s painful to remember those chapters of my life, but with God holding my hand, anything is possible.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without God’s messages pouring through me, day in and day out.

I realize now that those years would have been hard no matter what, but without Him, they were horrific.

Being with God has mended the void within me.

His Love has brought me trust unwavering and faith unchanging.

Thank you, God, for giving me the strength beneath my feet to move forward every day.

God Bless.