poetry and prose

Apparently I read today’s Jesus Calling yesterday, but boy did I need it.

“You are feeling weighed down by a plethora of problems..” The problems don’t feel so big today, but a plethora nonetheless. Money, taxes, work, health, kids, existential chaos.

“They seem to require more and more of your attention, but you must not give into those demands.”

That’s an interesting one for me. The work ethic instilled in me was to work hard until you can hardly work. Work, work, work, day in and day out, and when the going gets tough, work some more. To rest is a waste of a day.

My job is one that could require endless amounts of time and energy.

“Do not give into those demands…” I will need to repeat that one in my head throughout the day.

“You can learn to be joyful in Me..even in the midst of adverse circumstances.”

That is certainly the truth. Leaning on God has saved me from a broken heart more times than I can count.

Before I knew God, I leaned on love to get me through life. I craved attention from all the wrong people, thinking that love would fulfill me. I wish I’d known differently.

When the love ended, I became broken and forlorn, barely able to pick up the pieces and move on. It was the hope of a better love that kept me going, but time after time, the people in my life became more cruel and the heartbreaks became tragic, ending in the suicide of my children’s father.

I remember countless nights, curled up in a ball, sobbing on the floor of my cold, empty, house while the kids were at school.

One night stands out, begging and pleading out loud to an angel I had never prayed to before, “Angel of Mercy, please!” Feeling unworthy of any support, I bargained… I promised the angels that night that if they could restore me, I would write a book, telling the world about what the angels had done for me.

Hard not to cringe remembering the depth of desperation I felt that night.

But here I am, years later, married to a man sent from God, living out dreams I never thought would come—a book going through edits from a publisher… a PUBLISHER. A team of people emailing me and asking if their art is “enough?”

Angels, you delivered in gold!

I wish I could wrap that Holly on the floor in a warm blanket, make her a hot meal, and tell her everything is going to be okay. I wish I could just scoop her up and hug her and hold her tight. I am so grateful to never return to those days.

The heaviness lingers in my heart now, and I wonder how to shift gears and exercise this morning.

150 minutes per week is what they recommend—30 minutes per day.

Deep breaths to come back into my body. Listening to the birds chirp outside, the tick of the clock, and the snore of my little Dachshund in her bed under her blankets.

The heaviness begins to lift as I keep noticing the love around me.