poetry and prose

“I am all about you, to bless and restore.” (Young, 76).

God, sometimes I really don’t know how to give you my problems. They feel like they just want to pile back onto me as soon as I drop them at your feet.

My mind is riddled with racing thoughts, difficult to deviate away from stress. I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to focus on anything else.

I know you are with me, but I feel paralyzed. I wish you could whisper the answers in my ear.

God, I want to be a fair, decisive leader. I want to be quick, sharp—fastidious.

I want to relinquish any doubts immediately when they enter my mind.

A force to be reckoned with. I want my team to know my loving heart and respect my intelligence. I cannot control how they perceive me, but I can control how I show up in the working world.

My words, my actions, my behavior.

I find myself quick to express care, support, and understanding, but hesitant at times to set limits and expectations.

In the moment, I fear resistance and pushback. But my fears come from long ago.. the pushback I got from family and friends who were not there for me.

Setting limits long ago was met with disengagement and distress. There is something else there—I find myself fearing the loss of being liked.. or fearful of conversations blowing up outside my control.. something I cannot control.. fear of being overpowered and humiliated in my role.

I don’t know where that comes from, but it’s certainly there.

God, can you hold that for me? Will you take that out of my hands? These fears cloud my judgement and make me think twice. I fear if not taken, it will lead to my team’s demise.

These fears are like poison, I cannot keep drinking them. My voice needs to come from more thoughtful reason.

Decisions based in fear never go right. Please hold them tightly and don’t let them bite. When I go to work today, allow me to be swift and sound.

Let me speak from my heart and not the middle ground.

I am not the peace maker with no other way round.

Here on this day, I step foot with new pep, with God in my heart, there’s no room to misstep.

Young, S. (2015). Jesus Calling Morning and Evening. Thomas Nelson.